if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
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Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
wishing you and yours all the best
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.