Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
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Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…