My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
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Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
good work, detective
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.