I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
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i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews