If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
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Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works