friend: just act mature
[later on date]
her: so what do you do for fun?
me: *with a calm voice* my taxes
me: I guess my biggest weakness are questions
Interviewer: what do you mean?
Me: oh no
[meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: I’m a big fan of your work
[gets pulled over]
cop: do you know how fast you were growing?
me: officer, I wa-wait did you say growing?
cop: *removes mask to reveal grandma* you’ve gotten so big
cop: we’d like to ask you some questions
me: I want to see my lawyer
cop: you’re not a suspect
me: I know. I just miss her.
alien: take us to your leader
me: hold on I’ll go get him
[a few minutes later]
alien: you gotta be kidding me
me: *wearing a mustache* hello
[after sitting 21 hours for a portrait drawing]
painter: I’m done
me: ok now let’s do a silly one
[first day as a restaurant owner]
*woman walks in with a dog*
me: sorry no dogs allowed-
me: -to leave
me: no dogs allowed to leave
me: *already petting dog* he’s mine now
me: I’m gonna spend valentine’s day alone
doctor: no you’re not
me: *blushing* are you asking me out?
doctor: no. you’re dying
kid: I still have some questions
me: let me explain *pauses sex-ed video* she can only pay the pizza guy with sex