@ohen39

friend: just act mature
me: okay
[later on date]
her: so what do you do for fun?
me: *with a calm voice* my taxes

@ohen39

[job interview]

me: I guess my biggest weakness are questions

Interviewer: what do you mean?

Me: oh no

@ohen39

[meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: I’m a big fan of your work

@ohen39

[gets pulled over]

cop: do you know how fast you were growing?

me: officer, I wa-wait did you say growing?

cop: *removes mask to reveal grandma* you’ve gotten so big

@ohen39

cop: we’d like to ask you some questions
me: I want to see my lawyer
cop: you’re not a suspect
me: I know. I just miss her.

@ohen39

alien: take us to your leader
me: hold on I’ll go get him
[a few minutes later]
alien: you gotta be kidding me
me: *wearing a mustache* hello

@ohen39

[after sitting 21 hours for a portrait drawing]
painter: I’m done
me: ok now let’s do a silly one

@ohen39

[first day as a restaurant owner]
*woman walks in with a dog*
me: sorry no dogs allowed-
her: really?
me: -to leave
her: what?
me: no dogs allowed to leave
her: but-
me: *already petting dog* he’s mine now

@ohen39

me: I’m gonna spend valentine’s day alone
doctor: no you’re not
me: *blushing* are you asking me out?
doctor: no. you’re dying

@ohen39

[sex-ed class]
kid: I still have some questions
me: let me explain *pauses sex-ed video* she can only pay the pizza guy with sex