*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
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Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
couldn’t resist
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.