Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
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Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I bet
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.