I just tested negative for patience.
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[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.