I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
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Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I hate my earbuds.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
HOW DARE YOU
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else