INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor