Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
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Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]