“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
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My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.