I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
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I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.