Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@ojedge : We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.
~ The Disclaimers.
@ojedge: BOSS: why are you late?
@ojedge: 'How many lights do you wanton?"
"It's too bright, can you dimsum?"
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
@ojedge: “Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
@ojedge: Priest Client: "So, how is my floor mural coming along?"
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] "Shiiiiiit."
@ojedge: Wife: "Are you ok? You look exhausted."
Me: "I saw one of those silica gel packs that says 'Do Not Eat' 4 days ago & I'm starving to death"
@ojedge: [attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
@ojedge: 🎶 Whoa we're half way there,
@ojedge: Siri, fight Alexa.
@ojedge: Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] "You're gonna be sleeping with the fishes…"
Me: "Umm, it's 'fish'."
M: "This. This is why."