I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.
~ The Disclaimers.
BOSS: why are you late?
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,