Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of ojedge's best tweets

@ojedge : We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

@ojedge: BOSS: why are you late?

ME:

@ojedge: 'How many lights do you wanton?"

"It's too bright, can you dimsum?"

~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.

@ojedge: “Alexa, negotiate brexit.”

@ojedge: Priest Client: "So, how is my floor mural coming along?"

Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] "Shiiiiiit."

@ojedge: Wife: "Are you ok? You look exhausted."

Me: "I saw one of those silica gel packs that says 'Do Not Eat' 4 days ago & I'm starving to death"

@ojedge: [attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]

ME: Thank you all for coming

37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?

@ojedge: 🎶 Whoa we're half way there,
Whoa-oh…

@ojedge: Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] "You're gonna be sleeping with the fishes…"

Me: "Umm, it's 'fish'."

M: "This. This is why."