My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
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My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
In case you needed to hear it:
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,