Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
You Might Also Like
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe