@om_eye_goodness

last year, i went on a date with a dude and when i told him i was reading Animal Farm again, he laughed obnoxiously for an entire minute and said i was too old to be reading children’s books.

i think about that a lot.

…i wonder if he’s still an idiot.

@om_eye_goodness

my 3 year old kept saying she “wants a spirit guest & needs a spirit guest” and “has a spirit guest” and like 4 exorcisms later, i realized she was just talking about asparagus.

@om_eye_goodness

If you wanna know what it’s like to have kids, just dump everything you own on the floor and tell the air to clean it up.

Spoiler: the air doesn’t clean jack shit…just like children.

@om_eye_goodness

Whenever I can’t sleep, I always end up eating like 37 snacks in bed.

It’s called insom-nom-nom-nia.