some dude asked if i wanted him to bon me and i thought he was talking about Cinnabon so i said yes and he sent me a photo of his genitals and now i know he made a typo and i shouldn’t be on twitter when i’m hungry.
i’ve been a little sad lately, so i went on zillow and saved a 3 million dollar home and now i get to laugh every time they email me about the next steps to buy it.
internet stranger: hey you’re so sexy wanna role play?
me: sure, you be Bruce Willis at the end of Armageddon.
well this was fun.
last year, i went on a date with a dude and when i told him i was reading Animal Farm again, he laughed obnoxiously for an entire minute and said i was too old to be reading children’s books.
i think about that a lot.
…i wonder if he’s still an idiot.
my 3 year old kept saying she “wants a spirit guest & needs a spirit guest” and “has a spirit guest” and like 4 exorcisms later, i realized she was just talking about asparagus.
If you wanna know what it’s like to have kids, just dump everything you own on the floor and tell the air to clean it up.
Spoiler: the air doesn’t clean jack shit…just like children.
Hey baby, are you climate change? Cuz I believe in you.
Whenever I can’t sleep, I always end up eating like 37 snacks in bed.
It’s called insom-nom-nom-nia.