I think something went wrong here?!🤔
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You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Death certificates are our last participation award.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen