I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
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Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!