Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
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I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Bros before Ohioes
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots