If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!