Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
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He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working