Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
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me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”