dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
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Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]