*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
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This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?