Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
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I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.