@onelongbender

Dave is coming over.

“Dave Wilson or Dave who thinks he’s Spider-Man?”

[loud thud on the roof]

BACK DOOR IS OPEN, DAVE

@onelongbender

Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.

@onelongbender

This woman at work sounds just like me. I’m going to pay her to call my Mom and occasionally say mmhmm and how nice.

@onelongbender

I don’t think I get enough credit in my family for making my siblings look successful.

@onelongbender

Watching my son’s soccer game in the cold and rain cuz I’m a good Mom. From my heated car cuz I’m not a total idiot.

@onelongbender

My internet boyfriend doesn’t know about my real life boyfriend, which makes two of them.

@onelongbender

When people tell me I’m intimidating, I generally just glare at them until they take it back.

@onelongbender

Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.