Dave is coming over.
“Dave Wilson or Dave who thinks he’s Spider-Man?”
[loud thud on the roof]
BACK DOOR IS OPEN, DAVE
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.
This woman at work sounds just like me. I’m going to pay her to call my Mom and occasionally say mmhmm and how nice.
I don’t think I get enough credit in my family for making my siblings look successful.
Watching my son’s soccer game in the cold and rain cuz I’m a good Mom. From my heated car cuz I’m not a total idiot.
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
My internet boyfriend doesn’t know about my real life boyfriend, which makes two of them.
The international address of Twitter
When people tell me I’m intimidating, I generally just glare at them until they take it back.
Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.