If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
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I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
I am all good here, 😂😉
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.