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Page of onion_an's best tweets

@onion_an : Guy: [pulls out knife]

Me: But I'm allergic to stainless steel

Guy: [stabs me]

Me: Noooo I'll get a rash

@onion_an: Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn't lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

@onion_an: Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop

Son: Why

[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]

Me: He's a racist

@onion_an: Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that's none of your business

@onion_an: Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?

Me: No

[nervous because it's my 1st interview]

Me: But I used to be an embryo

@onion_an: Son: Dad can sand melt?

Me putting down my glass: Don't be ridiculous of course it can't

@onion_an: [last day at job]

"You've made my life a misery, I hate you all"

[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]

"Not you tho Phil"

@onion_an: [at aquarium]
That's a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
Oh sorry...that's a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

@onion_an: Me: What music you into?

Date: I love hip hop

Me: Yeah me too

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin

@onion_an: [on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]

Date: What's your favourite meal?

Me: Poop

Date: What?

Me: SOUP, I like eating soup