@onion_an: Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn't lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
@onion_an: Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He's a racist
@onion_an: Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that's none of your business
@onion_an: Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
[nervous because it's my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
@onion_an: Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don't be ridiculous of course it can't
@onion_an: [last day at job]
"You've made my life a misery, I hate you all"
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
"Not you tho Phil"
@onion_an: [at aquarium]
That's a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
Oh sorry...that's a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
@onion_an: Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
@onion_an: [on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What's your favourite meal?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup