I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
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Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM