“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
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Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
💯😂
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”