Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
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“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Not today
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Noah was an idiot.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.