interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
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If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.