ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
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Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Choose your fighter