A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
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My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Coffee for people with no kids
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you