me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
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Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
uh oh
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Breaking news:
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.