My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.