Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
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nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.