Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
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Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No