In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
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I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
starting a garage orchestra
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.