If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
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I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
For the baby who has everything
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
sry
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba