felt that
You Might Also Like
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*