My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
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For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?