*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
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Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
My neck my back my allergy attack
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD