the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
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If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.