The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
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I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.