If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
You Might Also Like
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
WHO DID THIS?
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!