I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
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Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!