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i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.