ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
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*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Perfection.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
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.
.
.
.
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It’s Dublin.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
new wife guy just dropped
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas