The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
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I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.